I Do Not Need to be the Good Girl

I do not have to be the good girl. I do not have to be liked and accepted by all. I can make enemies, cause frustration and fall short. I am allowed to be all aspects of my becoming without judgement of myself. I am allowed to be strong without guilt or shame.

I do not have to go to church, believe what you believe, to be a good girl. Hell, I’m not a girl, I’m a grown ass woman. Thank you for your gifts and kind words, no that does not mean I am going to do what you want now. I thought you were doing it to be genuinely kind, sorry my bad.

My tattoos do not fit your interpretation of me, interesting. What are you going to do now? How are you going to fit into your belief system that I can be kind, compassionate, believe in Christ and not be a Christian. I believe in the principles of Christ, not the religion. We do not have to be the same for me to be allowed respect.

What are you talking about, a good girl wears what? You do realize how ridiculous you sound. Clothing has nothing to do with loving kindness or service to humanity. My appearance, you want me to wear my hair up? I look demur that way, stop it.

What are you so afraid of?

What are you so afraid of, and what does this have to do with your soul, or my soul for that matter? Why are you telling my husband he is the head of household and he can make our family go to church. Why did you give him a book on, “How to Have an Affair Less Marriage?” Do you have any idea how insulting, condescending and judgmental that is?

So you have regrets you say. Then why don’t you stop the pattern, stop judging and start accepting our differences with love. I will let you be whoever you need to be, if you want closeness with me you will have to respect my boundaries. You must understand the behavior I will allow as acceptable when interacting with me.

Stop comparing me to girls I knew in High School. You know nothing about them. The fact that they attend church does not mean they have a successful, perfect and wonderful life. How could you say what has happened in my life is the result of my not going to church. What is wrong with you?

I remember where it all began

I remember where it all began. The seed you planted in my mind. A child of two years old, sitting in the wooden highchair, my mother’s before me. How could your heart be so cold? You are my grandpa. You cried out praying to God, “Please do not allow her to be a stubborn and obstinate child. Break her will, that she will learn to submit to you.”

That was the moment I first lost my power. All control over my life, what I ate, the choices I made, my voice were all gone. I sat in that highchair, in the darkened kitchen for hours by myself because I wouldn’t eat the raisins you put in my oatmeal. I wasn’t a good girl because I didn’t like raisins like you did. I was bad and going to hell, if I didn’t obey you and eat those God Damn raisins.

I didn’t eat those raisins. My will within me grew strong. I stayed in that chair until my father stole me away. He could not stand the abuse any further. He who had suffered under the abuse of two alcoholics knew my pain and freed me.

I forgive you for it all

I forgive you for it all. I ask my child within to forgive me for not being strong enough to protect her. I am starting to understand why I fight the need to be a good girl, and crave it at the same time. I am conflicted within. I seek love and acceptance, and reject the judgment and the false self, required to receive it. All I ever wanted and needed was love, you were never capable of giving it. I give it to you instead.

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