The stories we Tell
The stories we tell are clues. Clues to the patterns, lessons and cycles of our lives. Within these stories is hidden the creation of our core or fundamental beliefs.
A story deconstructed is filled with clues. Emotions and feelings experienced in that moment in time leave a residue. A trace of the impact, a history of the creation of our root beliefs. I have traced back the core events, the simple every day stories to the traumas that shifted my world.
My most foundational core belief, had a domino effect. It warped into other beliefs like a cancer spreading throughout my body.
My most core fundamental belief has been the belief, I Am Not Enough.
My belief that my Authentic and Vulnerable self was not enough was created over a bowl of oatmeal and the struggle for personal choice over raisins. Pretty basic and not really noteworthy at all, right? Yet that story has never left my telling for over 40 years. Everyone who knows me, knows the oatmeal story.
I was not enough, perfect or whole as I was, therefore, I needed to modify who I was, to be lovable, accepted and blend in. This was the belief system I created, due to not being honored for my personal choice or being allowed to express my power.
As I traced back and diagrammed through time my beliefs. I found how this belief spread and mutated over time. It developed into the belief, I Cannot Take Care of Myself. Here I found definitive stories supporting the core belief that I am not enough could be reinforced with the belief I cannot take care of myself. If I were enough, I could easily care for myself.
I had a urinary tract infection in college that left unattended turned into a kidney infection that again uncaught, developed into blood poisoning. I was sitting in the front of my American Sign Language class when I started shaking so violently my entire desk was banging against the floor. Fortunately, my instructor was a registered nurse, who recognized I was in distress and helped motivate me to get to medical services. I was left devastated, broken and weak for months. Again, it was confirmed, I cannot take care of myself.
This belief led to the decision I wouldn’t fight for my independence anymore. I would allow a man to marry me, when I really didn’t want to get married. I was too young and inexperienced. I didn’t even know who I was. My not being my authentic self and accepting my vulnerability was creating some real messes in my life.
If I were true to myself and harnessed the power that comes with being who I am I would have been fully capable of taking care of whatever happened in my life. I would have been confident in making my own choices and felt worthy of love and acceptance from myself and others. There would have been no insecurity, my confidence and self-worth would be healthy and intact.
Life Without Control
Life felt completely out of control. I had now suddenly lost my husband, who I depended upon for my safety and security. In an instant he was gone forever. The shock to my body, mind and spirit was incomprehensible and lasting.
I developed another belief, even deeper, at this time. I was not enough and I couldn’t take care of myself now spiraled down into the belief, God or the Universe does not support me or have my back. I am utterly alone in this world. Life is out of control. I am incapable of surviving on my own.
Can you see the pattern develop? This pattern then creates a negative feedback loop. A loop that cycles again and again without mercy, based on my beliefs about myself and the Universe. Nothing can stop the loop from cycling repeatedly, until it is identified and the core beliefs are uncreated, deleted and the story is removed from them.
If I leave the relationship a new one takes its place and it’s usually worse than the first. If I am bankrupt and forgiven the debt grows again. If I leave my job feeling the victim, I am victimized by someone else very quickly thereafter.
I release All Blame and take Responsibility for what I have created. I am the origin of the pattern. I am the source of the suffering. I, in innocence, created beliefs held firmly in place by my emotions at the time of the event. Beliefs, fixed and validated through time, by experiences I choose to refuel them with, saying, “See it’s true, I am not enough, I can’t take care of myself and God doesn’t have my back.”
The cycles continued for many years despite my efforts to escape, until magic happened. I broke, crumbled and cried out, asking for help. This time, Not, from the Physical world, as I have done repeatedly throughout my life in an attempt to gain control of the loop without success. The solution does not lie there.
I asked for help from the source, where all creation happens. All creation begins in energy, in intention, in beliefs and thoughts. The great void, the space of unlimited potential, the quantum field. Also known as God, by many names.
The original belief, I am not Enough was also the belief- as I am a spark of God- that God is not Enough. The Source of All things, is where I must return. It is the place the quest always returns, going deep within one’s own self. There I trace, track, hunt and release all the beliefs hiding beyond consciousness. I clear the path, break through the obstacles and unshackle my authentic self. The vulnerable child within, still sitting beside that bowl of oatmeal, waiting to be released from the shame and cruelty of feeling unlovable, alone and in the darkness.
Once this child is free, I am free. My authentic, whole and prefect self is revealed. The brilliance of my light, blinding to the eye, is present and fully capable of caring for herself. God and the Universe have my back. I am in synchronicity; flowing, vibrating and resonating, as a pure and perfect bell. A witness to the wonder, beauty and Divinity of all life. I no longer hide who I am, or my story.