Intentions For A New Year- written last year.
It has been an incredible year.
I hold in my hands the warm brewed Chaga fresh from a Birch Tree with the Spirit of the Birch held within. It is dark and rich like coffee; a healing tonic to my body and soul. Revered in ancient cultures, and wild crafted in the traditional manner. It has no particular smell, and the taste is almost neutral, but its strength is without question. I hold it in my mouth for a moment, my teeth and gums tingling; before swallowing loudly, gulping the medicine down- shuddering and releasing. I am sitting on the porch in my favorite spot, with the sun touching me, warming my face; in the last days of fall before the cold winds and the powdered snows fall.
I watch as the chickens run around the yard trying to catch a lizard.
They have so much fun together; always in a group as they explore. Digging in the dirt and fluffing it up upon their backs with their wings. They are always bright and happy, as they go about their exploration of the yard. For them the yard is always new, always fresh, offering a new adventure; promising excitement. They never tire of the surprises. And they are so sweet when they crouch down, as I crouch down beside them. Spreading their wings like elbows at their sides, that I might stroke their silky soft feathers, along the back of their plump little bodies. I am reminded to go through my day with the same excitement, the same joy, experiencing even the smallest details of mundane life with fresh eyes. What a gift they are to me, the simple pleasures in my own back yard.
The bee hive is now filled with the buzzing of a new hive.
I smell the wax as they create their home. The new combs filling with honey. I take only the smallest portions, that they might have enough to feed and care for themselves through the winter. I love to sit beside their home watching them come and go. I let them rest upon my face and arms as they sit in the sunlight. They are so diligent, steadfast and hard working. Their buzzing is like a song without end. Whistling while they work, lighting from flower to flower, carrying the very essence of the flower back home with them. I wear no suit, nothing to keep us separate. I do not like anything that keeps me from feeling, smelling and becoming in-tune with nature. I have reached my hand into wild hives in tree trunks since I was a child. Never once have they stung me. They carry the nectar of the Divine. I am so thankful for this wild swarm for coming to live in the hive that I created for them. I have been waiting for 3 years now; I knew they would come. Next to the hive, matching the colors of the bees themselves, in flashes of black and yellow, are wild sunflowers. I love sitting on the porch and watching, as the grasses shift in the breeze. Everything has turned to gold. The summer has given its harvest, and it has been a great time of growth and transition.
I remain in Santa Fe.
As much as I have wanted to leave and thought I would find happiness elsewhere; it is a wonderful home base for all of my travels. It affords me the freedom I desire. I love the golden light, the thunderstorms and lightening, as the Spring rolls in. The great expanse of stars in the night sky, and its closeness to so many wonderful hiking and camping spots of pristine wilderness.
I now enjoy traveling to meet and give talks with those who would like to hear my story of strength and survival; of returning home to my own power within. They share their stories with me and we all connect together in love and encouragement. I am rejuvenated each time I hold a workshop, inspired by the love and compassion we as human beings hold for one another and All life. I am honored to be here on this Earth, at this time.
My book has been published
and I have continued to peel away the layers of fear and self-abuse that have held me captive for so long. I continue to be steadfast, knowing that my story is important. It has been a terrifying process. But I am so thankful for each step that I have taken, for it brings me closer to others, my heart wide open. I have always been strong enough; to stand firm, to hold my ground, and to shine the brilliant light I have within. I have been torn apart so many times. I know without question that the I AM, that is my true self, can never be destroyed. I can never lose who I am. I may get lost, become frightened, or make mistakes, but I can never disappear. My greatest strength is in knowing that I can be broken. In breaking, my heart is open, in so doing I am made stronger. I can reach out and touch the hearts of others with greater truth and compassion. For I know their pain, their sorrow, as it has been my own.
My relationships are on the mend.
I am letting the walls come down, which have kept everyone else away. I have begun to stop hiding, running off the path into the woods so as not to encounter another person. My fear of them diminishes, as I begin to step forward. And my love for them gains steadily, as my love for my own self takes hold. I am beginning to understand that others are simply a reflection, a mirror for my own thoughts, fears, and projections. I look at others and do not trust them, because I do not yet fully trust myself. As I begin to fully know and understand myself, the obstacles and hindrances I have placed upon my path begin to fall away. They are no longer necessary. And with each layer that falls away fresh insight, wisdom and understanding is gained. I am the creator of this life. All the lessons along the way lead me to one conclusion; that I am a Divine Being made in the image of God, here to fulfill the will of God. This is the absolute delight of my soul. To create that which is good and beautiful, for the highest good and betterment of all. This is done by allowing the ego to fall away. The illusion of separateness and duality, merging with unity once again.
The stormy waters of my experience,
my relationships, begin to calm, and instead create great peace and compassion in my heart. I am no longer sick to my stomach, nausea and convulsing with emotions raging out of balance. The smells of sickness and disease permeating the air, with sulphur’s rotten scent of fear infecting all. No hope of removing the fumes from my nostrils, no hiding its ugly truth, as it clings to my skin. Instead I float in the emerald green waters that are neither hot nor cold, and become the water itself; cleansed of all impurity. My consciousness infused with the very nature of water. Going deep within my owner inner sight, gaining strength and clarity. I trust and surrender to who I truly am. My own power within becomes less frightening my fear of others diminishes. I am now able to care for myself and my loved ones. I choose a new experience for myself; one of harmony, respect and love. It smells of lilacs, that fresh scent of a new beginning; as the cold gives way and makes space for the spring to emerge. I press my face into the aroma of hope, healing and retrieval of myself. It has never been for anyone else to change in my relationships, only me. For these are the relationships I have created, to learn the lessons I have needed, to become the person I came to be.
I continue to take greater measures to eat simply and only what my body needs to be strong and healthy. Whole fresh fruits, vegetables, and pure water. A handful of nuts and a spoonful of smooth rich coconut oil; soothes my stomach and rejuvenates my skin. Delicious smoothies, strengthen my body, fueling my strength training regimen. I release my addictions to sugar, that have fueled my nervousness. I continue to take the time to gain strength and endurance in my body, to heal my digestive tract and organs from the years of nervous tension and stress. All of that fear and anxiety have begun to leave my body. Flushed away by the pure water and medicinal teas I sip, on the cool winter days. The cells begin to regenerate in a cocoon of healing. My DNA re-patterns, transforming me back to my true Identity. I am thankful, becoming at peace within my skin; as I honor the body, the flesh I am within. No longer wishing this life to end. I embrace and accept, that I might be embraced and accepted in return.
I have accepted myself as the Author I am.
I have accepted that I am here to share my story; to touch the hearts of those who are isolated, suffering, broken and lost. I have accepted that I can no longer hide, that I must stand firm in the warm light of the sun; that others may know that it is possible for them as well.