I found an old, deeply held belief of mine while listening to Jeffrey Van Dyk’s live streaming session on December 15th. Jeffrey holds a session every third Thursday of the month. You can find out more at Jeffrey Van Dyk Live While listening in during the event I responded to some questions presented. I discovered that I still held onto a belief I had developed in my teens. The belief “I am a weak and useless person who doesn’t deserve to live and has no home.”
The only part of this belief that continues to resonate for me at this time is having no home. The other parts of the belief have expired. They no longer maintain the sting they once did. There is no button pushed when I hear I am weak or useless. I have found those beliefs to be false, untrue and no longer serving a purpose as a driving or motivating force in my life.
I was asked to dig further and consider how I would respond to the following question, “Why am I not worthy of love?” The response unearthed yet another aspect of the old belief, “I don’t deserve to have a home because I am not safe being who I am.” The next question, “Why don’t you deserve to have a home or to be safe?” My response surprised me, “I am not of this world. This is not my home, but I do my best.” The conclusion drawn from my live streaming questioner, “So does the statement I don’t belong resonate with you?” “Yep, that about sums it up!” is all I could say.
It was unbelievably empowering to be this honest with myself and others. It allowed me the space I needed for full discovery of a false idea. What was even more amazing to me was when I laid this concept of not belonging over my life’s journey I could clearly see that the decisions I made and experiences I had were, without question, influenced by this core belief about myself.
The idea resonated with my childhood feelings of not fitting in, general self-loathing and lack of confidence. I could see why an outward expression of those feelings could be materialized as a self-abusing eating disorder. It was a vain attempt to transform myself into the ideal of beauty portrayed in magazines. The outcome I desired was to fit in, to belong. I wanted to be loved and to feel safe being myself.
My answering, “Yes,” to a proposal of marriage on the first date, fed into the need to belong as well. I was in a foreign land filled with customs and traditions I didn’t understand. I married into belonging in a place that doesn’t easily accept outsiders. I kept seeking to belong using external solutions instead of going within to know that I am never alone and that I am safe being who I am. I needed to know from within that it was all right be who I am. That it was all right if they didn’t understand. They didn’t need to understand for me to be who I am.
I looked back on my second marriage and how we moved from state to state every four months, like clockwork, searching for a place we could call home. I could see now that behind that search was a desire to belong, to fit in and to be accepted. My newfound insight gave me the freedom I needed to let go of blame, fault finding and judgment of myself and my second husband. I could pin point the driving force behind my actions and accept it. I was in a blind search to fulfill a need I didn’t understand.
Once I was aware of the deep feeling of not belonging I had compassion and understanding for myself. I could even laugh at myself for the experiences I had created based on this false sense of self. It was so obvious that I chose to punish myself and didn’t allow myself the connection I desired, so that I could maintain this hidden belief. With exposure the sting was gone, the button it had pushed had somehow been neutralized.
My new belief, “I am free and I belong by the very fact that I exist.”
I can compare my new found understanding to receiving the answer to a question I knew I had all along. Like being asked the name of a favorite old song. The answer is on the tip of your tongue, but it just won’t come out. You let it go and suddenly there it is before you. You knew it, but somehow couldn’t identify it until you let go. It’s liberating, a feeling of “Yes, yes, that’s it exactly.”
These moments of insight are precious; especially if you are willing to take the time to follow them back over your life. You are given the opportunity to have a life review, while you are still living. With this new perspective you are now equipped to move forward, no longer a victim of the pattern repeating without end, run by a belief you were unwilling to bear witness to. You are given the opportunity to move forward driven by purpose, not chasing old wounds in circles.
For more information on Jeffrey van Dyk visit:
http://www.jeffreyvandyk.com/ or https://jeffreyvandyklive.com/go